This Is Where I Died
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Shepard knew revisiting the Normandy SR-1 at the crash site would be hard. He was not prepared for just how hard it would be.


_Been replaying the Mass Effect Trilogy and got to the Normandy Crash Site mission. Oh my god, all of the feels. That mission is so depressing._

* * *

It was cold as death. Not even the thermal layer of his combat armor could keep the frigid air from chilling him to the core. Despite the cold and the wind that occasionally blew through the area, the landscape was surprisingly peaceful, as though nature itself knew the significance of the area and was trying to be as respectful as possible.

There was a soft jingle, the sound of a fistful of dog tags clinking together from movement, footsteps that echoed across the ice, and the occasional choked sob everytime a memory flooded his mind. Shepard was glad that no one was here except Garrus to hear him crying. No one would have faulted him for it, but he didn't think he'd want anyone other than the turian who'd slowly crept into his life and become his closest friend to see him in such a weak state.

"Are you going to be okay, Shepard?" Garrus asked with concern.

Shepard seemed to have a thousand yard stare as he looked out across the remains of the Normandy. Snow (or maybe it was frozen ash and ice) covered the burnt out carcass of the ship. There were charred bones frozen beneath their feet if they knew where to look, though most of the missing crew members had been mostly or completely incinerated in the Collector attack and ensuing fires, leaving not much left to find. Alchera would be their grave. How close it had been to becoming his as well.

"I died here," Shepard said, his voice sounding dazed and distant.

He reached out towards a frozen hunk of metal and brushed some of the debris off, revealing it to be part of a locker, the name _Ashley Williams _engraved in the nameplate. Of course that would be the name on the locker that he'd find. It couldn't have been Kaidan's or Wrex's or Tali's.

Garrus noticed something glistening in the ice. He knelt down, pried it loose, and retrieved a set of dog tags. The name was barely legible from the amount of punishment it had gone through, but he could still make out the surname _Emerson_.

"How many do we have now?" he asked somberly before handing the dog tags over to the Commander.

Shepard looked at the handful of dog tags they'd both collected that he had clenched in his fist. _"Too many," _he wanted to reply before counting them all. "19. We're missing one. Pressly."

They'd been searching for nearly two hours by this point, their search hampered by painful memories and emotions. Garrus felt awful revisiting the remains of the ship he'd served on, but Shepard understandably felt even worse. He hadn't just served on this ship, he'd been the ship's commander. The 20 that were missing had relied on him to keep them safe and return them to their families. He had _died _on this ship. Garrus couldn't even begin to imagine how Shepard must have felt as they toured the wreckage together.

"There," Garrus said, pointing towards a spot on the ground.

There was a datapad half-buried in a thin layer of ice. With so many things damaged or completely destroyed it was a wonder that it had survived the crash at all. Shepard pulled the pad from the ice and looked over it. It was functional, but barely legible, most of the words and entries replaced with garbled letters, numbers, or assorted errors. Most of it might as well have been him trying to read dolphin, but some of it was left tangible.

"Pressly..." Shepard said as he read over it. He placed the pad back on the ground and looked around, finding a few feet away the sole remaining and unaccounted for dog tags.

"We have them?" Garrus asked. His voice was quiet. He sounded exhausted and relieved to have found all of them at the same time.

"Yeah. Let's go back," the Commander nodded.

They took one last look at the Normandy monument on the way past. With one arm around Shepard, Garrus sat in the shuttle next to him and they both waited to be transported back to the SR-2.

No one said anything when Shepard and Garrus returned to the ship. They both received somber looks from the other crew members and Tali seemed to be suffering guilt from not being able to stomach going with them to the remains of their former ship. Shepard didn't really blame her for not wanting to tag along, though he was grateful Garrus had so he didn't have to bare the task of searching alone.

Shepard found himself running on autopilot for a while afterwards. He ate because he had to rather than because he was hungry. He ended up taking an hour long shower where he pretty much just stood staring off into space before EDI reminded him that he was wasting water. He then laid in bed with the blanket pulled up over his head for almost half a day before Garrus and Tali both came to check on him to make sure he was alright.

"Are you okay, Shepard?" Garrus asked. Shepard's head visibly shook under the blanket. "Are you coming out anytime soon?" His head shook again. "Well then we're coming in." A few moments later, Tali and Garrus were on either side of him beneath the blanket. Garrus had an arm around him and Tali was as close as one could get without overtly snuggling.

"Everyone's worried about you, Shepard," Tali said.

"Hmm..." Shepard replied. His response was lifeless and noncommittal, which further seemed to worry them.

"Do you want to play a game or watch a vid or something?" Garrus offered.

"No," Shepard replied in a dull and uninspired tone.

"We could prank call Ambassador Udina. I know you love doing that," Tali suggested.

"I'm not really in the mood to do that right now." Tali sighed helplessly and leaned her head against his shoulder.

The three of them remained in silence for a while before Garrus spoke up once more. "Well I don't know what we plan on doing here, but I have no idea how you managed to lay under here without air holes for so long..." He poked his hand through the blanket and made a small hole. Some of the trapped heat was let out and replaced by cool air and it was suddenly easier to breathe. Garrus also had a nice view of the fish tank now. "Hey, I know what would cheer you up! Why don't we get you some new fish?" he suggested. "Your tank's looking a little empty."

"Okay," Shepard replied.

Garrus and Tali were surprised but relieved that they'd finally found something he agreed with. "Yeah?" Garrus asked. When Shepard nodded, he poked his head out through the hole he'd made, which made him look a little like a mouse poking its head from its den at the first sign of spring. "EDI, could you ask Joker to make a stop at the Citadel?"

"Right away, Mr. Vakarian," EDI replied.

"We'll stop in and get you some fish," Garrus promised, the arm around Shepard tightening reassuringly.

* * *

Despite his attempts to seem normal, Shepard wasn't very good at hiding his onset of depression as they explored the Citadel's gift shop. The asari employee seemed to notice and gave Garrus a concerned look while Shepard browsed.

Even though the purpose of their visit was to buy fish, Shepard noticed something else listed amongst the stock. "You have hamsters?" he asked, pausing on the terminal's listing.

"Oh, yes!" the asari replied. "We just got a shipment of baby space hamsters in this morning! They're easy to care for and live a little more than three times longer than their Earth ancestors. Would you like to see them?"

Shepard remembered having a space hamster when he was a kid. He'd wanted a dog, but from all the constant traveling around from ship to ship, a hamster was all his parents could get him. Still, the hamster had been just as friendly and loyal as a dog and had been there everytime he had to leave old friends behind with each move. He had definitely gotten him through some tough times in his youth.

"Yes, please," Shepard nodded.

"One moment please..." She went into the back and returned with an assortment of tiny hamsters running around or sleeping in a glass tank.

Shepard looked in at them and softly tapped the glass, catching the attention of most of the hamsters. They all lost interest and went back to what they were doing, all but one of them. The smallest of the bunch scurried up to the glass where Shepard's finger still remained and stood up, a tiny paw pressed on the other side of the glass, and squeaked at him.

"Did you want to hold one?" she asked. "I don't usually let people do that unless they've bought them first, but I think for you I can make an exception."

"That one," Shepard said, tapping the glass again at the one that was peering out at him. When she gave him the hamster, he promptly scurried up his arm and found his jacket pocket, where he climbed in and poked his tiny head out.

"He likes to hide," the asari said just as the hamster squeaked and pulled his head back inside the pocket.

Upon noticing the smile creeping up on Shepard's face, Garrus looked back at the asari. "I think we're buying that one," he informed her before tapping the "space hamster" option on the screen and adding it to their order. They ended up walking out with four new fish and the hamster. "What's his name?" Garrus asked.

"Sniffles," Shepard replied. "He looks like a Sniffles."

* * *

Shepard seemed to be feeling a little better the next day. The new fish were acclimating to their tank well and he'd found a nice spot on the shelf for his hamster where he could see him everytime he walked into the room. The elevator dinged outside and Shepard looked up just as the door opened, Garrus entering with a can of soda for Shepard and a metallic yellow can that had turian writing on it for himself.

Garrus sat down next to Shepard and passed him the soda. "Feeling any better?" he asked.

"A little," Shepard nodded. He watched Sniffles nibbling on the end of a strawberry atop the table, a chewed cardboard tube and a bag of yogurt treats set off to the side for later. "There's something else I have to do first though."

"What's that?"

"I have to go see someone." Shepard reached across the table where he'd placed his newly retrieved N7 helmet and brushed some of the dust from the crash site off of it. "I probably should have done it a while ago."

"Do you need me to come with you?"

"No," he shook his head. "I think I have this one under control."

"Commander, ETA is approximately 20 minutes," EDI's voice piped up.

Shepard scooped up the hamster, strawberry and all, and returned him to his place on the shelf. "I guess I should get ready then," he replied.

* * *

"Name," the receptionist asked politely.

"Commander Jonathan Shepard," he replied.

The receptionist stared at him with surprise and then hit a few buttons on the keyboard. "Yes, you're logged in the system as a visitor," she said. "Just wait over there one moment, please. She'll be out to see you shortly."

Shepard wondered if she was leaving to tell all her coworkers that _the _Commander Shepard was standing in their lobby right that moment when she scurried out with a flushed look on her face. He leaned against the wall in the location noted, hands in both pockets, staring at the ground before him, hoping this didn't take too long since he really needed to see her, and tried to ignore the Alliance soldiers and employees that were staring at him like they'd just discovered a unicorn.

Finally, the door opened. He looked up, his heart nearly stopping from the rapid onset of emotions that all flooded in at once.

"John?" Hannah had been notified ahead of time that he'd be showing up, but hearing that he was alive after having been told of his death and that he was coming to visit and actually seeing him alive and there in front of her were two separate emotions entirely.

Before Shepard had a moment to formulate a response or even completely stand up straight, his mother had cleared the gap between them and had her arms around him. He was almost a head taller than she was and part of him was wondering how he wasn't smothering her with how tightly he was holding her in return while the rest of him wasn't even thinking of anything at all.

"I missed you, Mom."

* * *

_I always wished that a Spacer Shepard could visit his/her mother in the second game. I certainly would want to see my family right away if I had been awoken from the dead after two years._

_If only the game let you name your hamster too. I unofficially named mine "Sniffles" after the stuffed animal my third grade class was fond of._


End file.
